Saturday, January 30, 2010

PSA: You could be having sex right now.

Every once in awhile, I'll be visiting my therapist, the shiny keg handles at the bar, and some sad sack sits next to me and complains about their inability to obtain a girlfriend, which is basically another way of saying they can't get laid. We are all animals and built within us is the natural physical and psychological desire to reproduce or as Al Green would say "Get it On". Sex isn’t a problem for the female species who only have to say, “Wanna go fuck in that supply closet?” 

Bangin’ broads comes natural to many men but how does someone who wears a Spock uniform engage in Pon Farr without enlisting the help of a Klingon pimp? Well, it's pretty simple. First take off the fucking Vulcan ears and I'll teach you something I did learn in college.

STEP 1: 
Clean up your place and buy the nicest bedding you can afford. Purchase the following: 1 box of lubricated condoms, 1 low wattage soft light bulb, 1 bottle of good red wine, 1 six pack of special release microbrew, 1 six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and the necessary ingredients to make mojitos.

STEP 2: Practice making a good mojito. Make some mixed CD's of various genres of shit you hate. Do some research and find out what people think is good. Nothing they may find obscure, loud or new. Slow nostalgia is what you're going to need.

STEP 3: Wash some decent clothes. Take a shower. Cut your nails. Get a haircut if you have to.

STEP 4: Do not drink anything. At 11:00 PM put on a porno film. Nothing weird. Watch this film from beginning to end without touching yourself or having a drink. 

STEP 5: Brush your teeth. Change the light bulb in your bedroom. Leave it on with the door open. Position your sofa to face the bedroom. Now drive to the bar or club that is most likely to have an event that would interest single women. 

STEP 6: Have your first drink. Survey the women in the bar to determine who you want to engage. These ladies are intoxicated so you look better than you actually are. If you feel that you are a 7 on the old 1-10 scale than you are probably a 5 that currently looks like a 7 to this boozed up crowd with a three hour head start. This is important. You want to pick someone who is the same on the scale as you currently appear. If you are a 3 in reality don't go looking past a 5 or your success rate will drop by 40%. Never go for an 8-10. It will just be annoying later or get derailed by someone better looking than you. If you must go after a woman in a pack, choose the least desirable or she will probably cock block you later. Your hormones should be raging now and a second drink will boost your confidence into a focused determination to achieve the task at hand. 

STEP 7: Engage said target with a compliment and be the one to leave the conversation. Have another drink. If target approaches then buy her a drink. Listen to everything that comes out of her mouth. The only thing coming out of your mouth should be humorous and not full of obscure references. If conversation hits the 10 minute mark start steering it towards different types of alcohol. When conversation reaches 20-30 minute mark, it should be around last call and suggest having a drink at your place which you have already stocked. "I make the best mojitos", "I have a special microbrew that hasn't been released yet" or "My uncle owns a vineyard and gave me a special vintage that I've been saving for a special occasion". Some bullshit like that.

STEP 8: If you don't own a decent car, you should have rented or borrowed one. Anyway, back at your place break out the alcohol, start the pot of coffee and put on the CD with the genre of music she is interested in. When going to get your second drink, make a move. It will work. I've gotten you a live intoxicated woman who has been listening to her favorite music in your place and staring at a nicely lit bedroom. You're on fire from the porno. If you can’t pull this off, become a monk and get fiddled by old men.

STEP 9: After fornicating like the cheap nasty animal you are, get a cup of coffee. Offer her one and explain that you have to go to work and can drop her off on the way. 

Now if something compelled you to become interested in this woman have her spend the night. Chances are she is going to wake up screaming and feel ashamed for getting’ porked by a hideous mud troll. Always abort your mission if you find during the course of conversation that the she owns more than 1 cat. You do not want them knowing where you live and despite being better looking they will stalk you. 

If you truly are looking for a relationship, lure her back with a common interest such as marijuana or records. Hell, I don’t know what your into, just be honest from the start. Get to know her and make a good impression. Suggest having dinner and take her somewhere classy and fun.

If you're trying to keep a woman, listen more, make confident decisions, spend less money on yourself, clean yourself up, learn a new clam lickin' move, and go down on her one time without asking for any form of reciprocation. If that doesn't work, you shouldn't be together anyway. That’s about it. Anyone can get laid or fall in love for a period of time.

I’m married, so stop bothering me while I'm drinking.

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Christina Lindberg Sings!

Swedish brunette beauty Christina Lindberg  (Penthouse Pet of the Month - June, 1970 issue), made her film debut with a starring role as 16-year-old innocent Inga in MAID IN SWEEDEN. She went on to star is such films as SEX AT THE OLYMPICS, ANITA: SWEDISH NYMPHET, LOVE IN 3D, CAMPUS SWINGERS, WHAT SCHOOLGIRLS DON'T TELL, and the Japanese pinky violence film SEX & FURY. Christina also appeared in two soft-core films for American adult picture writer/director Joe Sarno: SWEDISH WILDCATS  and YOUNG PLAYTHINGS. Christina achieved her greatest cult cinema fame with her performance as Frigga, a much abused and traumatized one-eyed mute junkie prostitute who exacts revenge in THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (a.k.a. THEY CALL HER ONE EYE).

She's currently the owner and editor-in-chief of the aviation magazine "Flygrevyn," which she took over following her fiancé Bo Sehlberg's death in 2004. She owns two Siamese cats and was the onetime girlfriend of Swedish King Carl XVI Gustaf in the early 70's. Moreover, Christina is a keen mushroom picker (in 1993 she made the 20 minute instructional short "Christina's Mushroom School"), an animal rights activist, an environmentalist, and a vegetarian.

She recorded a two-sided 45 vinyl single at the height of her acting career in the early 70's and here it is!. These 2 tracks were ripped from vinyl. VBR mp3 in the 192ish range. Can she sing? You be the judge. Christina Lindberg currently lives in Stockholm, Sweden.
1) Alt Blir Tyst Igen
2) Du Ar Min Enda Karlek

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More Christina Lindberg Images (click to enlarge)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Men's Magazine Flexi Discs

6", 7", 8", and 9" flexi discs were popular in Japan where they were known as sound-sheets (sono shito) and were often in traditional round format. In other areas, flexi disks were usually square and often included in a magazine. For example, the American magazine National Geographic's January 1979 issue included a flexi disk of whale sounds called "Songs of the Humpback Whale." With a production order of 10,500,000 copies, it became the largest single press run of any record at the time.

For even more information, there is a good article at Stylus Magazine. 

Why am I talking about Flexi Discs on a blog called Big Bust Out? Well, it just makes sense that the porn industry would utilize flexi discs to compete with the burgeoning home video market of the early 80s. They had already used gimmicks like scratch and sniff centerfolds, 3D spreads, life sized centerfolds, trading cards, calendars, swing club directories, etc. Audio was the next logical step. Velvet magazine even produced an off shoot called VELVET TALKS from 1979-85 that featured a flexi disc every month! These disc are pretty rare but I've assembled 3 turned into MP3. I've included a cover of the issue and the features it contained within.

High Society October 1980 
Paula Klaw -- The First Lady of Bondage, Photos of Betty Page and Tempest Storm
Phaedra Grant -- Porn Star of the Month
"Bath Tub Sceens" : Myrna Loy, Joan Crawford (not nude) and Rosalind Russell, Lauren Hutton, Marlene Dietrich, Lana Turner, Carol Lynley, Lili St. Cyr, Audrey Hepburn, Mamie Van Doren, Ava Gardner, Marilyn Monroe, Janet Margolin, Shelley Duvall, Stella Stevens
"Valerie Perrine -- Don't Stop Her Music!" (cover)
"The Kink Quotient" by Earl Flyn.
"Nudes Real": Ursula Andress, Jaye P. Morgan, Elsa Martinelli, Ajita Wilson, Ilona Staller, Sylvester Stallone (full frontal nude)
"Taking Care of Business" by Carl Esser."White Lightning of High Voltage Electricity!
White Lightning with porn star Misty Winter.
Flexi disc: Gloria Leonard's Head of the Class

Velvet Talks July 1981 
Flexi disc: Candy Samples.
No further information on the magazines contents

High Society December 1982 
"New York City Girls!" by Gil Reavill.

Porn Star Sylvia Benedict photographed by Cory Brandon.
"Burnin' Up the Bronx!"
"Dick Drost's Naked City -- The 1982 Miss Nude America Pageant".
"Canada's Biggest Tits!" Lolita Ramos (49DD).
Models photographed by Steve Hicks, Brian Anderson, Cory Brandon, Deward England, Douglass Hyun, Bruce Dennedy, Lance Kincaid, Jill Lynne, John Allum, Geoff Howes, Gerth Sernelin and A. Walton.
Flexi disc: Busting My Cherry


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Cooking With Vincent Price: THE RECORD

I've always been a fan of Vincent Price's hammy acting in classics like HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951), THE HOUSE OF WAX (1953), THE FLY (1958), Roger Corman's Poe Adaptations, William Castle flicks,  and A.I.P. Horror. When I was a kid, I loved him as Egghead on BATMAN and as the narrator on Alice Cooper's song Devil's Food.  I owned his Shrunken Head toy, Hangman game and was impressed by his attempt to bring art to the common man at SEARS. 

Did you know he fancied himself a chef? Vincent and his second wife Mary Grant not only founded the Gallery at East Los Angeles College they wrote a cook book called A Treasury of Great Recipes in 1965. Vincent also showed Johnny Carson how to poach fish on THE TONIGHT SHOW and had his own British cooking program called COOKING PRICEWISE.

In 1977 he recorded INTERNATIONAL COOKING COURSE a 12 audio cassette set of recipes and cooking techniques which included topics such as Dining At Versailles, Delights From The Sultan's Pantry, Cucina Italiana, Dinner At The Casbah, The Bard's Board (with Shakesperian vocalisations!), Classical Spanish Cuisine, La Cocina Mejicana, Bounty Of Paradise, The Wok, Exotic Delights From The Far East, Foods From The Austro-Hungarian Empire, Food Of The Gods. The set also included a bonus cassette called Wine is Elegance in co-operation with the California Wine Institute.

I'm not sure if the following tracks are from this series but I highly doubt it. If anyone has any information on their original source, please contact me so I can post the correct information. They are pretty damn funny nonetheless. 


Track Listing
1. Pickled mushrooms
2. Roast pork with prunes
3. How to cook a daring cury
4. Cooking small boys
5. The pork chop song
6. Rub my roast song



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