Jimbo's 30 Favorite Action Film Posters

Anyone who knows my shenanigans also knows I'm crazy for movie posters. I saw a recent "best of list" for the 50 best action movie posters of all time and it was a total mainstream kick in the nugget sack. What kind of ignorant hipster dildo puts the circle jerk flick 300 in the #1 spot? A tool. That's who. So I've decided to put my two cents of bullshit into the opinion machine with my own damn list. What I require in an action movie poster is not always based on layout and design. My criteria is mainly action or hot gals. I don't want to see some pretty boy, no matter how aesthetically pleasing the poster may be, trying to act tough with nothing going down. Since it would have filled the list, I left out VHS covers, Spaghetti Westerns and many posters that would of required more thought than a pot of coffee allows. I could of filled this whole thing up with Women In Prison posters but I'll save that for another day.

#30 DEAR GOD NO!
Yeah, I know what your thinking, "You can't do that, it's your film". Damn right I can. Obviously this list is biased. I'm not a goddamned scientist. Actually I think this should be #1 but I'm getting the shameless promotion out of the way. So there.

#29 DRAGSTRIP RIOT
The actual film is a snoozefest (it's no Dragstrip Girl) but check out the way out poster action, man. One of the best taglines ever. I like how evenly stacked the fight is too. Well, he does have a car but the other guy has a wrench. Car beats motorcycle but I know fist don't beat wrench! Golly willickers I'm confused and they are coming right at me!

#28 BLACK CAESAR
Hail to the motherfuckin' yeah, Caesar. One of the best films of the 70's with the best soundtrack of the 70's has one killer poster. How killer? It has thugs protecting the logo!

#27 BLACK MAMA WHITE MAMA

Not the best illustration but I dig the action and sheer ballyhoo of this poster.

#26 GET CARTER
"Top of the morning to you, I'm Michael Caine and I'm quite hacked off ."

#25 ANGELS HARD AS THEY COME
Not only is this mean motor scooter burning out on a rival, he's draggin' one too! Love how the sleazy broad's crotch is a headlight. Top shelf.

#24 THE BONNIE PARKER STORY
Hell yeah! My favorite type of machine gun being blasted through a bullet riddled window by a cigar smoking doll. AIP ruled the drive-in 1-sheet realm.

# 23 SUKEBAN HUNTERS
Rockin' Jelly Beans poster for the Sukeban Hunters films is more stylish than I usually like from a film poster. BUT! The curves on this female illustration pre-moisten my stache.

#22 TOMCATS
Also known as GETTING EVEN, this crazy regional rapin' flick packs all the right elements into a 1-sheet.  A great tagline, stabbin' cabin and white trash crack make this one I'm proud to own. Speaking of white trash....

#21 CONVOY
This critically misunderstood flick is awesome and the poster throws in an explosion which is always a plus.

#20 THE BLACK GESTAPO
A gem of a film. The poster has these confused cretins gunnin' down whitey and keeping his sluttiest daughter
all in front of black power grabbin' lightning! Right on and solid.

#19 MODERN YAKUZA: OUTLAW KILLER
Bunta Sugawara is a total ass kicker and this poster shows that if you mess with him, he's gonna come at
your sorry ass with a butcher knife and a motherfucking bar stool, bitch! Kinji Fukasaku's best film. Yeah,
I said it you Battle Royale fanboys.

#18 SPEED DRIVER
Holy shit! The poster can't contain these crazy assholes! They are exploding through two way traffic to land on your face! It will make you nauseous if you stare at it to long. Beware.

#17 BLACK CAESAR
What again? Damn skippy. This is an awesome image that says I shot whitey whatcha gonna do copper! Top of the world Bitches!

#16 THUNDERBOLT & LIGHTBOLT
I love the composition of this poster and what I like even better is Clint telling the viewer, "Yeah, I got
some square looking clothes, but dig my big ass gun! Too late, I blew a bowling ball sized hole through you, punk. Now go fuck a duck."

#15 WAR GODDESS
Over here! Throw her on me, goddess of the camel toe. Terrence Young really should be considered a great
auteur for his Hammer Horror films and his mastery of booze. If you don't like this cat fight extravaganza, you are dead to me.

#14 FATHER'S DAY
As much as I dislike Canadian borders and find Loyd Kaufman to be a cancer on Independent filmmakers, I do like the talented Astron 6. As always, Mr. Hodge delivers the goods with one twisted, ribald and curiously exciting old school poster showcasing some bottom boob. Don't get that often.

#13 DEATH WISH 3
Throw Chucky Bronson on a poster with a big ol' gun and people will buy tickets. Very similar to most of his films but what I dig about this one is that at his back is civilization or his romanticized world while he fires at reality and the punks messin' up the good ol' days. The moral of the story is lay down with Chuck or move next door a you will get gang rapped by goons.

#12 DEATH RIDERS
This delivers the action. It's thrilling enough to be hang gliding into bullets but check out James Coburn in the bottom right. He don't give a fuck! He's gonna shoot the pilot because it's a goddamned suicide mission, people! No one get's out alive!

#11 LIVE AND LET DIE
There are tons of good Bond posters, some great ones with sexy Robert McGinnis gals but this French McGinnis poster is crazy too. Connery casually insults gravity as Donald Pleasance's rocket ship, scheme, cat and evil volcano lair go KABOOM!

#10 WOMEN'S PRISON MASSACRE

I love Bruno Mattei. Who is he on this poster? Gilbert? Oh, Uncle Bruno. This poster is panty snatching awesome from the over the top illustrations to the crazy headline.I also love the strange perspective of the helicopter. The bitches be busting out ! Send in the RC copter.

#9 MAD MAX
Iconic. Nuff' said.

#8 THE EXTERMINATOR 2
Great color and a poster that says everything is gonna burn. And I'm the guy doin' it! Bwahahahahaha!!!! Like Fahrenheit 451 if books were scumbags!

#7 HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN
Tom Hodge goes Joe Colemanesque on some Hauer. Great layout, crazy imagery and a fantastic logo. Dig the shotgun shells. Already a classic. Yeah, The Dude is on here three times but he's that damn good people.

#6 DEATH RACE 2000
The graphic on this British Quad reflects futuristic ideas from a style and perspective that screams 70s. You know what your getting when you buy a ticket here. Beautiful.

#5 CRASH
This wacky movie isn't half as nuts as the poster. Just stare at it awhile. Have you ever seen accident victims from a demonic car driven by an idol? Didn't think so.

#4 THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE
Yeah, baby. I don't know if I can stop looking up at your crotches long enough to be concerned with the lit TNT your gonna stick up my poop chute and the gun pointed at my ugly mug. Love it. A different take from the thousands of hot gal with guns posters. Tough ladies with snatches and cleavage win every time.

#3 ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
Plisken may be a pissed off American but this Italian poster is the one that says, "Get out of my way, got no time!" There are numerous Italian post apocalyptic posters like this but this is the one to own in my opinion.

#2 DANGER DIABOLIK
This unique ripped up Italian poster is the embodiment of the anarchy caused by John Phillip Law as Diabolik. Made in two versions, this one pours my beer.

#1 THE GAUNTLET
The master of fantasy art brings the grit to one of the best action film posters ever made. Every stroke masterfully captures the desperate situation. The bullet ridden bus is gorgeous and the facial expressions are timeless. They must have known it was gonna be baddass because they sure gave him the canvas.
I miss Frank. What a beautiful bastard.

Have I made you want to wipe the dingle berries from your turd cutter with the 300 poster? I sure hope so. Reply away with your favorites but don't be a Todd and talk about some stupid photoshop head job.

New release from Weak Show

On April 14th, Shriek Show will release the PRISON GIRLS COLLECTION, a grouping of the unrelated genre films SHADOW DEAD RIOT (2006), WOMEN IN FURY (1986) and VIOLENCE IN A WOMEN'S PRISON (1982). The MSRP on this is $19.99 but I've already seen preorders around $14.99. All three films were previously released in anamorphic widescreen on DVD and VIOLENCE IN A WOMEN'S PRISON was released by Shock-O-Rama under the title CAGED WOMEN as a bonus disc for their WOMEN'S PRISON MASSACRE UNCUT! DVD; which made sense because they were both Bruno Matei films. Why Shriek Show wants to stick SHADOW DEAD RIOT in this collection is beyond me. Yeah, it does have locked  up broads but it's a 4 year old loaf of shit! There are enough unreleased titles from the 80's (THE NAKED CAGE & THE CONCRETE JUNGLE come to mind) to make this effort feel super slack stupid pants. No word on the presentations or any extras here. Judging by the no frills box cover (is that clip art for a work out video?) this is probably packaging wrapped around the three individual DVD's like Shriek Show did for their JUNGLE HORRORS, SS HELL PACK, etc. I recommend buying WOMEN IN FURY used for $5.00 and Shock-O-Rama's WOMEN'S PRISON MASSACRE UNCUT! set used for $10 on Amazon. That way you come out of the deal with 3 good movies for the same price.

And what the hell is up with Shriek Show's (a.k.a. Media Blasters) website!? The beginning of your releases always scare the bejesus out of me with loud ass effects promoting your brands and website but your internet presence has been clunky for 10 years. The website has never worked smoothly and locks up all three web browsers on my computer. Shut your damn noise boxes and hire someone other than your cousins to update and design. Jeez. Some of us would love to rent your theatrical releases if the link worked. Hopefully this set will be mastered correctly unlike the experience I had with their FREEZE ME disc many years back. UGH! Not to mention all the discs that didn't include some of the bullet points on the package! To hell with it. This company is dead to me. Buying a DVD shouldn't be a trip to the dentist.

★★★½ LADIES OF THE BIG HOUSE

1931 - USA
77 minutes
Directed by Marion Gering
cast: Sylvia Sidney, Gene Raymond, Wynne Gibson

Poor little flower girl Kathleen Storm (Sylvia Sidney) has just married the man of her dreams, fancy-lad Standish McNeil (Gene Raymond). Before the couple can fly to Russia and start a new life that will most likely have him killed on the front lines, Kathleen's gangster ex-boyfriend, Kid Athens, shows up to rub em' out, see. Seems the old thug never got over this dame and vowed to kill anyone who took dem' gams away. A copper shows up to get Kathleen as a witness in a case against Kidjust as the thug is breaking into her apartment. He fills the flatfoot full of lead, leaving the couple to take the wrap. Hotshot Assistant Attorney, John Hartman, who works for Kid Athens, manipulates the jury to a guilty verdict. Standish is sent to death row and Kathleen to tuna town. Thus begins the mucho melodrama of failed appeals, publicity stunts, undying love, stoolies, riots, bust outs and the hangman's noose.

Writer Ernest Booth was serving a life sentence in Folsom Penitentiary for bank robbery when he wrote this script with Louis Weitzenkorn. After his early parole, due to health reasons, in 1937, Booth would write the prison flicks WOMEN WITHOUT NAMES (1940) and MEN OF SAN QUENTIN (1942). His script steers clear of some overly dramatic pitfalls common with these pictures. Unfortunately for Ernest Booth, he didn't steer clear of the law. In 1941 he was arrested and questioned in a case involving the death of wealthy socialite Florence Stricker. As a result of the arrest, he was jailed on a weapons violation charge. Several years later Booth was found guilty of a string of armed robberies and sentenced to life in San Quentin where he died from tuberculosis. Paramount really packs in the production values with some impressive action sequences and more extras than I have ever seen in a Women In Prison Film! Gloomy and fast paced, LADIES OF THE BIG HOUSE is solid precode trash that should be sought out by ol' timey exploitation lovers.

2010 Oscar Picks

Its Oscar time again. Is that your enthusiasm or your lunch I smell? Yeah, I know. CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE wasn’t nominated so why does the sultan of sleaze care about the finest cinema have to offer? Well, I try to watch all the nominated screeners to gauge the level of dishonesty involved in this annual douche bag popularity contest. I also like to bet on just about anything. For those willing to wager, I have Mickey Rooney at #1 on my 2010 celebrity death list. Just saying.

So let’s get to the list of people you wouldn’t even join for free brunch.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:

• Penelope Cruz (Nine)

• Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air)
• Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart)

• Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)
• Mo’Nique (Precious)

I didn’t see NINE. When I heard they were going to queer up Fellini’s masterpiece 8 ½ by turning it into a musical, I tossed all my Judi Dench spank material in the bin.  Cruz won last year for VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA so odds are she’s a loser this year. Anna Kendrick phoned in an easy role. Her cast made her look better than she actually is so this is big skip-a-roo.  Gyllenhaal and Farmiga both showed some skin in similar low key multi dimensional roles but neither was as memorable as Mo’Nique bringing to life one of the best female screen villains of all time. If Lionsgate lobbied the academy as much as Fox Searchlight & Paramount, Mo’Nique is the clear winner.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:

• Matt Damon (Invictus)
• Woody Harrelson (The Messenger)
• Christopher Plummer (The Last Station)
• Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones)
• Christopher Waltz (Inglorious Basterds)

Somehow I missed the LAST STATION.  Oh yeah, it’s about Tolstoy. That’s how I fucking missed it! Plummer may win because he’s old but it’s only his first nomination. I’m betting most of the Academy doesn’t give a duck fuck about Russian writers either. I hear he’s a real dick to film crews so to hell with that twink fucker. Matt Damon didn’t have a big enough character arch in INVICTUS and Tucci was wasted (better in JULIE & JULIA) in the goofy THE LOVELY BONES; count them horses out of the race. Woody Harrelson should be moved to the best actor category since he had more screen time than Waltz, Tucci and Damon combined. How in the hell a pot smoking liberal environmentalist could bring that level of complex emotion and willful suspension of disbelief to a jar head without showing any of his political bias is a testament to his great acting skill. The scene in which he silently listens to Ben Foster’s monologue, his face alone finally revealing the broken humanity inside, is one of the greatest acting performances ever filmed. He will loose to Christopher Waltz. He got to use multiple languages and played a villain. Oscilloscope Laboratories doesn’t have the money to petition the Academy like the Weinstein Company and their screener DVD was really cheap looking. It’s the only award Inglorious Basterds will win.

Best Actress in a leading role:

Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)

Helen Mirren (The Last Station)

Carey Mulligan (An Education)

Gabourney Sidibie (Precious)

Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

This one is easy. Sandra Bullock can only play small variations on one role, nobody gives a flying adult diaper about Oscar winner Helen Mirren anymore, Carey Mulligan doesn’t have the physical flaw required to bring home gold in her miscast role and Gabourney Sidibie’s great performance is probably the only role she can play. Since winning for Sophie’s Choice in 1983, Streep hasn’t won in her last 11 nominations. She has reinvented herself in the last couple of years from a quality actress to a commercially viable actress. JULIE & JULIA was essentially two films and her performance managed to keep the doo doo logs from one half from floating into the other.

Best actor in a leading role:

Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart)

George Clooney (Up in the Air)

Colin Firth (A Single Man)

Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker)

This is a lock. Clooney was playing Clooney, Freeman was playing Freeman, Renner was playing Renner and Firth just had to play a nice guy having a breakdown. Bridges easily wins for a performance nowhere near as good as Mickey Rourke’s loss last year for THE WRESTLER. Bet the house.

Best Picture:

Avatar

The Hurt Locker

An Education

District 9

The Blind Side

Up

Up in the Air

Precious

A Simple Man

Inglorious Basterds

This year they decided to add ten films which means some obvious clunkers made the cut. Let’s trim some fat. UP is a god damned cartoon. While a good one, they already have a kiddie picture category called Best Animated Film of the Year which it will win so no go daddy-o. A SIMPLE MAN is a Jewie Ingmar Bergman film. The Academy likes to think American cinema is on par with European classics so they tossed it on here. It won’t get a single vote. We’ve seen or read stories like AN EDUCATION a zillion times and this one is British. CRANK 2 has a better chance of winning as a write-in. UP IN THE AIR is the middle aged male version of AN EDUCATION and it’s only here in the hopes of women who fantasize that George Clooney is ready to settle down will put down their wine glass and cat long enough to tune in. The imbecilic INGLORIOUS BASTERDS & impressive DISTRICT 9 were nominated to get a fanboy audience to watch the ceremonies. They won’t and it doesn’t matter; neither is winning. THE BLIND SIDE is a crappy heart string pulling movie geared towards white guilt that manages to embarrass itself and Michael Oher. If it had any competition that would be PRECIOUS, a tougher film that doesn’t need whitey for a hand out. It’s the best film out of the ten but doesn’t stand a chance.

The battle, I’m sure you know is down to AVATAR vs. THE HURT LOCKER. The solid money is on the eye candy spectacle AVATAR. It’s been cleaning up on the trophy circuit but is nothing more than a poorly written environmental fantasy for the socially inept. AVATAR shouldn’t even be nominated. It’s a piece of shit. THE HURT LOCKER is a damn good original piece of work that deserves to win but sadly it won’t. Why? The way the voting works is the winner must have 51% of the votes so they keep voting until one film reaches the magic number. That almost eliminates DISTRICT 9 from skimming AVATAR votes. Then you have the highest grossing AVATAR vs. the lowest grossing THE HURT LOCKER. Only a few of the big box office hits have won OSCARS (Example TITANIC, RETURN OF THE KING) but no film has grossed as little as THE HURT LOCKER and won best picture. AVATAR also has bigger studio bucks behind it for lobbying the Academy. Chances are Kathryn Bigelow will win best director (first for a female) so that lessens the best picture chances. Hmmm….. Ah fuck it; I’m going for the underdog THE HURT LOCKER. It’s a real movie. I can’t wager on something as brain hemorrhage inducing as unobtanium. 

★★★ DESTROYER

a.k.a. Shadow of Death, The Edison Effect
Directed by Robert Kirk
cast: Deborah Foreman, Clayton Rohner, Lyle Alzado, Anthony Perkins

Here’s a mess of a slasher mish-mash starring former NFL defensive end, Lyle Alzado, as the game show obsessed con Moeser. During his electrocution for the rape and murder of 23 men, women and children (he cackles before his execution, “it was actually 24“) the giant goon short circuits the entire prison resulting in a riot that leaves 13 guards and 37 inmates dead. Years later, the town folk don’t talk much about the event or the strange happenings at the abandoned prison. That is, until Robert Edwards (Anthony Perkins) shows up to direct his Women in Prison picture “Death House Dolls“. 

Before we can enjoy the obvious fun of a reanimated Lyle Alzado zombie running around killing the crew of a W.I.P. set, we are forced to spend half an hour with our bland stock leads stunt girl, Susan Malone (Deborah Foreman from VALLEY GIRL), and her screenwriter boyfriend, David Harris (Clayton Rohner).  It’s painful, but just as your mind wanders towards unpaid taxes, Moeser shows up with a giant jackhammer to save the bloody day.
The numerous in-jokes, rip-offs, groan-inducing stock characters and blatant use of dream sequences (very common around this time) to emulate the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series actually added more nostalgia than “seen it before” snobbery to my viewing experience. 

Yeah it’s predictable, poorly written, and badly directed, but DESTROYER throws in enough nudity, explosions, rats, and body parts to make for a decent six packer. Anthony Perkins and the one note Alzado put forth some effort; seeing the big lug simulate the tornado tongue using a pair of scissors must have caused some serious soda spit takes from theater patrons. Sadly, Lyle Alzado would die four years later at age 43 from brain cancer blaming it on a 22year addiction to anabolic steroids. The same year as DESTROYER, Renny Harlin directed an electric chair horror film called PRISON starring Viggo Mortensen, Waldemar Korzeniowsky directed THE CHAIR and 1989 would see two more hit the big screen with Sean S. Cunningham’s THE HORROR SHOW and Wes Craven’s SHOCKER. Only available on VHS and Laserdisc, DESTROYER will most likely be the one forgotten.

★★★½ LADY VENGEANCE

Chinjeolhan geumjassi 

a.k.a. Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, My Lady Vengeance, Shed Tears for Lady Vengeance, Kind-Hearted Ms. Geum-Ja

Directed by Chan-wook Park

cast: Yeong-ae Lee, Min-sik Choi, Tony Barry, Anne Cordiner, Su-hee Go, Hye-jeong Kang, Bu-seon Kim, Byeong-ok Kim, Shi-hoo 

2005 - South Korea

112 minutes 

The third film in his Vengeance Trilogy (SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE, OLD BOY), Chan-wook Park's LADY VENGEANCE spins the tale of a young kidnapper’s assistant, Geum-ja Lee (Yeong-ae Lee), seeking revenge on her partner and child killer Mr. Baek (Min-sik Choi) who forced Geum-ja Lee to take the wrap for the death of hostage Park Won-mo by abducting Geum-ja Lee's daughter. The Kidnapping of a kidnapper, so to speak. Geum-ja Lee's beauty and the horrific nature of the crime cause her to become the latest media sensation, which she uses to her advantage by manipulating fellow inmates to help her hatch an elaborate revenge plot. Geum-ja Lee is a chameleon who can lovingly care for an elderly North Korean inmate to gain plans for an exotic gun and also become a smiling nursemaid as she slowly poisons the prison queen bee.

Upon her release, she reunites with her daughter and has a brief relationship with a co-worker, regaining a sense of family. Due to her past sins, Geum-ja Lee feels she is unworthy of such happiness. Her redemption can only be in the form of retribution for the families who lost their children by the hands of Mr. Baek. LADY VEGEANCE doesn't strive for the simple KILL BILL route, instead veering into one of the most imaginative revenge scenarios ever filmed.

LADY VENGEANCE does have its problems. Like SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE, Chan-wook Parks seems overly pleased with his imagery and non-linear story telling. There are too many scenes that fail to advance the proceedings, goofy dream sequences, and post production trickery that pop you out of any sustained tonal flow. It doesn't go LAST YEAR AT MARIENBAD on us, but the film would have been greatly improved by a more linear cut and 20 minute shave. Hell, it could use a rinse and repeat. Although LADY VENGEANCE constantly hits you in the face with symbolism pies, it does contain the cruel and violent shocks that South Korean Cinema is becoming notorious for; and the last half hour is a humdinger on the level of OLD BOY.   Worthy of the time you will have to invest is the performance of Yeong-ae Lee who portrays Geum-ja Lee as a multi-layered and flawed individual light years from the stock characters that inhabit American, Hong Kong and Japanese revenge thrillers. This winner of a gazillion international film festival awards can be had on a Region 1 DVD by Tartan. The disc features a 40 minute interview with the director, 10 minute behind the scenes featurette and three audio commentary tracks. You can also rent or stream the film through Netflix.