Tuesday, January 5, 2010
"Stop your crying. Who here hasn't been raped?"
More obscure than white dog poo, this Hong Kong flick starts as an exercise in Grand Guignol and spirals into kung fu madness. Despite the massive film output, there are not many Chinese W.I.P. films. The Japanese pretty much cornered the genre in the far east so it's always nice to discover a gem from our dim sum brothers and sisters.
This hybrid begins with All-American homeboy Jeffrey Falcon (Six String Samurai) attending the wedding of Sien to Wai who is the son of the village leader. Before they can get the cake cut, a revolutionary greaseball wearing soccer mom pants shoots the guests and has the couple spending their honeymoon at a coed slave camp in the jungle where they apparently use riding crops to mine crucified hot chicks.
At this third world bed and breakfast.... I mean cave prison, we are introduced to muscle woman Tina the sunglass, tight camo pants and red beret wearing butch warden in charge of scantily clad female inmates and Commander (Sing Chen, the King of the Snake Cult from Bruce Lee in New Guinea) the horny overweight sadist in charge of the computer geek thin male inmates. Yes, it's a win win situation for all involved. One recently abused inmate informs us that women are used as hookers and men are used for target practice. Is there any hope for our protagonist Sien and Wai? Well, not really.
Commander, who's interior decorating skills involve wallpapering his bedroom with Juggs magazines, likes to get his kicks in all sorts of bizarre ways. We first see him cut the hair off a nude prisoner, mix it with a lard substance and shove it up her baby maker. Apparently causing much itching and discomfort. Bored with inflicting yeast infections, he ties up another sexy inmate, masturbates her with a whip, sticks an ice cube up her pinks and throws a foot long centipede on her breasts! He enjoys a glass of cognac and cackles hysterically while using his ice tongs to determine the bugs route around the poor victims flesh hills. A sight to behold I assure you.
Commander's attentions aren't just for the ladies. He takes great amusement in stringing up a male prisoner from the guard tower, shooting him down days later and filling his cries for thirst with some hot pee straight from the trouser tap just before putting a bullet in poor bastard's noodle.
His piece de resistance is tying Sien to a gate with an M-16 pointed at her crotch. With a string attached from the trigger to Wai's big toe, Commander begins to brand the bottom of his feet just to see if Wai will accidentally shoot his wife. Good times.
Tina the baddass dyke doesn't care much for Commander's sexual depravity but does enjoy making the ladies catfight while the men squat and jump around like frogs! Yep. You read correctly.
The leader of the revolution eventually shows up and promises Sien that if she gives up her virgin clam he will set the couple free. She reluctantly complies and the douche bag kills Wai anyway during a long drawn out sequence of the two abused lovers crawling across gravel to cheesy undying love music. I must admit it's pretty banana peel funny in a "I'm glad there's no God" kind of way.
With nothing to loose the women plan a bust out that plays more like a slow motion wet t-shirt contest. Hey, I'm not complaining, I'm just informing. With the bust out quickly squashed, they decide to regroup and try again now that white boy tennis pro looking motherfucker Jeffery Falcon is thrown into camp. Remember him? I had forgotten too. Apparently they snatched him after going back to kill Wai's father for kicks.
On the anniversary of the revolution everyone gets drunk, the ladies start killing and getting killed. The whole camp blow up real good, everyone dies except whitey and Tina who engage in a gory kung fu battle until she gets penetrated between the twins with a giant Bowie knife. The end.
Wow. Not only does Caged Beauties toss in the requisite W.I.P. cliches of showers, suicides, hot boxes, jungle traps and rape, we get castration, sodomy by hot barrel pistol and worm geeking thrown in for bonus fun. Packed to the hilt with boobs and bush there is even enough squib action to recommend this flick for the gorehounds. You get all kinds of stabbings and a log to the back of Falcon's noggin even splatters the lens with plasma. Sure it's all ugly but the women aren't. Nope. Usually in a W.I.P. film there's four good looking gals with the extras in the back looking like hobo bait. No throwaways in this group. Caged Beauties is silly enough not to get under your skin, sleazy enough to piss off feminist and fast paced enough to need a beer cooler beside your chair.
The only place I've been able to find this film is DCS Video Screams Film Archival & Transfer. Their DVD-R appears to be transferred from a 2 disc English subtitled Laser Disc. I highly recommend this company. They have very fast turnaround for a grey market dealer