Saturday, January 30, 2010

PSA: You could be having sex right now.

Every once in awhile, I'll be visiting my therapist, the shiny keg handles at the bar, and some sad sack sits next to me and complains about their inability to obtain a girlfriend, which is basically another way of saying they can't get laid. We are all animals and built within us is the natural physical and psychological desire to reproduce or as Al Green would say "Get it On". Sex isn’t a problem for the female species who only have to say, “Wanna go fuck in that supply closet?” 

Bangin’ broads comes natural to many men but how does someone who wears a Spock uniform engage in Pon Farr without enlisting the help of a Klingon pimp? Well, it's pretty simple. First take off the fucking Vulcan ears and I'll teach you something I did learn in college.

STEP 1: 
Clean up your place and buy the nicest bedding you can afford. Purchase the following: 1 box of lubricated condoms, 1 low wattage soft light bulb, 1 bottle of good red wine, 1 six pack of special release microbrew, 1 six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and the necessary ingredients to make mojitos.

STEP 2: Practice making a good mojito. Make some mixed CD's of various genres of shit you hate. Do some research and find out what people think is good. Nothing they may find obscure, loud or new. Slow nostalgia is what you're going to need.

STEP 3: Wash some decent clothes. Take a shower. Cut your nails. Get a haircut if you have to.

STEP 4: Do not drink anything. At 11:00 PM put on a porno film. Nothing weird. Watch this film from beginning to end without touching yourself or having a drink. 

STEP 5: Brush your teeth. Change the light bulb in your bedroom. Leave it on with the door open. Position your sofa to face the bedroom. Now drive to the bar or club that is most likely to have an event that would interest single women. 

STEP 6: Have your first drink. Survey the women in the bar to determine who you want to engage. These ladies are intoxicated so you look better than you actually are. If you feel that you are a 7 on the old 1-10 scale than you are probably a 5 that currently looks like a 7 to this boozed up crowd with a three hour head start. This is important. You want to pick someone who is the same on the scale as you currently appear. If you are a 3 in reality don't go looking past a 5 or your success rate will drop by 40%. Never go for an 8-10. It will just be annoying later or get derailed by someone better looking than you. If you must go after a woman in a pack, choose the least desirable or she will probably cock block you later. Your hormones should be raging now and a second drink will boost your confidence into a focused determination to achieve the task at hand. 

STEP 7: Engage said target with a compliment and be the one to leave the conversation. Have another drink. If target approaches then buy her a drink. Listen to everything that comes out of her mouth. The only thing coming out of your mouth should be humorous and not full of obscure references. If conversation hits the 10 minute mark start steering it towards different types of alcohol. When conversation reaches 20-30 minute mark, it should be around last call and suggest having a drink at your place which you have already stocked. "I make the best mojitos", "I have a special microbrew that hasn't been released yet" or "My uncle owns a vineyard and gave me a special vintage that I've been saving for a special occasion". Some bullshit like that.

STEP 8: If you don't own a decent car, you should have rented or borrowed one. Anyway, back at your place break out the alcohol, start the pot of coffee and put on the CD with the genre of music she is interested in. When going to get your second drink, make a move. It will work. I've gotten you a live intoxicated woman who has been listening to her favorite music in your place and staring at a nicely lit bedroom. You're on fire from the porno. If you can’t pull this off, become a monk and get fiddled by old men.

STEP 9: After fornicating like the cheap nasty animal you are, get a cup of coffee. Offer her one and explain that you have to go to work and can drop her off on the way. 

Now if something compelled you to become interested in this woman have her spend the night. Chances are she is going to wake up screaming and feel ashamed for getting’ porked by a hideous mud troll. Always abort your mission if you find during the course of conversation that the she owns more than 1 cat. You do not want them knowing where you live and despite being better looking they will stalk you. 

If you truly are looking for a relationship, lure her back with a common interest such as marijuana or records. Hell, I don’t know what your into, just be honest from the start. Get to know her and make a good impression. Suggest having dinner and take her somewhere classy and fun.

If you're trying to keep a woman, listen more, make confident decisions, spend less money on yourself, clean yourself up, learn a new clam lickin' move, and go down on her one time without asking for any form of reciprocation. If that doesn't work, you shouldn't be together anyway. That’s about it. Anyone can get laid or fall in love for a period of time.

I’m married, so stop bothering me while I'm drinking.

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  1. Such brilliance and cohesion this must be close to fool proof. Here's the rub, though: what if you don't drink? And don't cop out and say "start drinking" because some folks aren't into it or are allegic.

  2. Substitute the alcohol at your place with puppies.

  3. You are the Stephen Hawking of sleaze. Except the walking part. You can do that unassisted even after a gallon of booze. America is a brighter place because of you, 1001st point of light.